Very early Christmas morning. 4:45 am. I usually get up around this time and today is no different. It seems the brunt of the Winter storm is north of us but the sleet still falls and the wind still blows. Listening to the murmur of the wind I’m carried back with it to Christmas past.
As a boy, Christmas was a mix of anticipation and trepidation. I was, as all kids, excited about what I might get for Christmas and I did get caught up in the energy of the holiday. However, my parents didn’t always get along with each other and usually sometime near the 25th a fight would break out. Being a only child all I could do was head off to my bedroom and listen waiting for the row to end. When it did, Dad headed off to the basement and his CB radios and Mom took to the living room couch to read and doze off. End of holiday cheer for another year. Still, I retain warm memories of dark snowy Decembers from my youth.
Not much changed for Christmas until after college, marriage, and kids. After Jesse was born our Christmas celebration took on a whole new feeling. It was about our kids experience of the holiday and my attempts to not repeat my parents routine. Watching the excitement in them as Christmas approached gave me a new holiday spirit. Pretending to be Santa, watching all the old holiday TV specials again thru their eyes, and seeing how the grandkids brought my parents closer together (at Christmas, anyway) gave me a sense of what so many people experience at this time of year. Those years in Lincoln, Lexington, and back here in Minnesota will remain my favorite holiday memories. Our full family working out Christmas together each year. Jesse the cerebral one. Pondering his gifts as if he was Karnac and able to see into the box with his mind. Melissa, excited and impatient and ready to open gifts at any moment. And Dustin. If anyone in our family loved Christmas (and we do or did) Dustin did. I think he loved it all, the decorations, the music, the energy, the gift giving (and receiving). Even as a young man he would lay on the floor head under the tree trying to figure out whose gifts were whose and what they might be. We would play tricks on him. Hide presents or box up gag gifts. Oh, how I loved those years. Oh, how I miss them now. I have many specific recollections of those family holidays from my Grandpa Zim to Jesse’s silver boots to the Dukes Of Hazzard to Melissa’s My Little Ponies to Dustin and his various Christmas stunts that made us laugh. I’m grateful we had some Christmases like that. Christmas Eve was my favorite night of the year. I would have to work all day (Bob The Mailman) and would drag home around 5 or 6 pm from a cold day outside. A bourbon and some warm air combined to guide me into that mellow holiday feeling. It really was as if time stood still. My parents would join us and we would have a sumptuous Christmas meal before opening gifts. Dustin would eat faster than the rest of us and then perch himself next to the tree waiting for us to finish. All the family, beaming with Christmas love, gathered close in our small living room. Dogs, too. Softly, in the background, KNXR FM and the John DeRemus show played glowing Christmas music with a spiritual flavor while we would open presents and laugh and tell stories and make a merry mess. Around 9 pm my parents would head home and our little family unit would wind down from the glorious furor of a few hours before. Christmas morning would dawn and I would run around grabbing the well hidden “Santa” gifts and place them under the tree. With coffee and pajamas the five of us would enjoy a little merry Christmas morning before heading off to the huge family celebration with Madonna’s parents and siblings. Those years. I’m not even sure how many we had, but those years were the best.
Now, it’s quiet Christmas Eve’s with just us or an invited guest to share our sumptuous holiday meal. We still listen to the radio and try to make it to church if the weather holds. I’ve taken to volunteering with the Christmas meal a family puts on each year in memory of their son who died in an accident. It is heartwarming and a little sad to see so many people alone at Christmas but what a wonderful gesture for this family to put on such a meal each year. It also brings me closer to those for whom the holiday season is hard. Like us since Dustin died.
I remember tinsel on the tree. The Harry Simione Choir LP (you kids have no idea what an LP is, do you?), the movie White Christmas, candlelight church services, and the quiet of the city. Pleasant memories of malted milk balls and riced potatoes. Dutch Master cigars (grandpa Rosel) and many Marreels. Grandpa Zim taking it all in from the rocking chair without saying a word but filling the room with a comforting glow. Today, it’s Sydney and William and us going to the metro to spend Christmas with our kids, their spouses, our grandkids, and Olive. New memories shaped and colored by old ones. The full spirit of gratitude for all we have tempered by the memory of what has been lost. And ever present. The foundation our lives are built on. The Christ child. Born to us that we may be saved and live in eternity. Since the year 2000 I must admit I think about the holiness of the season much more. I guess the hope of seeing Dustin, my parents, and other friends and family that have passed on has focused me more on Christmas real meaning. My prayer for you is that in the midst of your Christmas celebration and traditions you will ponder the wonder of Christmas and the meaning behind the birth of Christ.
And so it is for me this early Christmas morn. The sigh of the wind still beckons. The threat of fresh snow excites and saddens. The old decade behind. The new one ahead with it’s new traditions and adventures. Some of you we will see again and again in the years ahead. Some of you, we will see only for awhile longer and you will be gone from our life. To all of you, Merry Christmas. God bless you and those you love.
Posted on December 25th, 2009 by BigBob
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